I’m working really hard here. It turns out, when parenting, your children pay particular attention to your non-verbal communication signals and then, get this, respond based on what they interpret those signals to mean.
AND, get this, they’re children, so they don’t have a whole ton of coping mechanisms when they decide what they’ve read in your signals is that you are angry or don’t like them, or don’t love them.
So, this may not surprise you, their reactions tend toward the negative.
I’m working really, really, really hard on something anyone I’ve ever dated will tell you I’m not great at – telling you how I feel when that feeling is not a positive one. My guess is it’s all attached to some pre-coming-out habits.
Being gay felt like it was a bad thing to be. It would, in the very least, make people feel uncomfortable around me. So, to keep those around me comfortable, I’d better stuff that truth way down deep.
Along the way, this rule started to apply to anything I perceived as negative. If I’m angry, that could make someone uncomfortable around me. I’d better do what I did with that other big thing I was worried would make people uncomfortable. Eventually, the habit became so easy to repeat, any negative feeling I might have was internalized so as not to make things rough for others.
Healthy, right?
The good news is I’ve been working on it. The better and slightly more uncomfortable news is being a parent has fast-tracked that process.
When one of my kids asks, “Are you angry at me?” and I respond, “I am not angry at you. I will tell you if I am angry at you,” I damned well better be sure to communicate that when it happens.
In the last few months, I’ve done a lot of telling my kids how I feel. My use of “I statements” is the strongest it’s ever been.
You know what else? I’ve also been following those statements up with, “And that’s okay.” Because, turns out, it is okay when I’m frustrated because someone yelled at me.
The world does not end when I get angry. My ability to love and be loved remains as strong and constant as ever. I can love a person and be infinitely frustrated at that person at the exact same time.
This is a lesson everyone in our family is learning – over and over.
Ah, that’s the lesson we learn every day, day after day. I can be frustrated with you and even angry at you, but I love you, I love you, I love you and that never changes with my frustration or my anger. You are a fabulous father, Zac – I know that and so do your children. I love you so much!