Tag: emotions

26 Jan 21 – Ugh…feelings

I’m working really hard here. It turns out, when parenting, your children pay particular attention to your non-verbal communication signals and then, get this, respond based on what they interpret those signals to mean.

AND, get this, they’re children, so they don’t have a whole ton of coping mechanisms when they decide what they’ve read in your signals is that you are angry or don’t like them, or don’t love them.

So, this may not surprise you, their reactions tend toward the negative.

I’m working really, really, really hard on something anyone I’ve ever dated will tell you I’m not great at – telling you how I feel when that feeling is not a positive one. My guess is it’s all attached to some pre-coming-out habits.

photo of man leaning on wooden table
Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

Being gay felt like it was a bad thing to be. It would, in the very least, make people feel uncomfortable around me. So, to keep those around me comfortable, I’d better stuff that truth way down deep.

Along the way, this rule started to apply to anything I perceived as negative. If I’m angry, that could make someone uncomfortable around me. I’d better do what I did with that other big thing I was worried would make people uncomfortable. Eventually, the habit became so easy to repeat, any negative feeling I might have was internalized so as not to make things rough for others.

Healthy, right?

The good news is I’ve been working on it. The better and slightly more uncomfortable news is being a parent has fast-tracked that process.

When one of my kids asks, “Are you angry at me?” and I respond, “I am not angry at you. I will tell you if I am angry at you,” I damned well better be sure to communicate that when it happens.

In the last few months, I’ve done a lot of telling my kids how I feel. My use of “I statements” is the strongest it’s ever been.

You know what else? I’ve also been following those statements up with, “And that’s okay.” Because, turns out, it is okay when I’m frustrated because someone yelled at me.

The world does not end when I get angry. My ability to love and be loved remains as strong and constant as ever. I can love a person and be infinitely frustrated at that person at the exact same time.

This is a lesson everyone in our family is learning – over and over.

21 Jan 21 – Morning Meeting

We have a family morning meeting. The boy suggested it a few weeks ago. There are three standing questions:

  1. How do you feel?
  2. How are you feeling about your day?
  3. What do you want to get done today?

I struggle every morning trying to find a difference between my answers to #1 and #2, but I find a way to make it work. Yesterday, I got to explain optimistic.

white clouds under orange sky during daytime
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

More than any of it, I look forward to their answers. Happy is the most often shared feeling in the morning. It’s when we get to #3 that I get a sense of where their brains and priorities are. It bounces around. Sometimes, its seeing friends. Sometimes, it’s a specific friend. It could be as general as “get my work done” or as specific as “tell my teacher you beat the Spider-Man game”. (I did, and I’m equally proud.)

My moments of self-control happen when their responses are vague. It’s all I can do not to ask for more detail to “get my work done.” I hold back because I know that will come. I hold back, and I model that detail in my own response. I know they are listening because we share our progress when I pick them up from school. “Did you write that thing you wanted to write and send the message to your friends at work?” (I did.)

They are playing with goal setting, and I want it to be just that. Our morning meetings are space for them to mess about with checking in on their own feelings in the moment and experiment with setting a course for the day. There are so many parts of their lives when I and other adults ask them to do it differently or better or again or never again. Our morning meetings are a place where I want them to know none of that will happen. It’s a space where whatever answer is the correct answer.

It’s also a space where I try not to say happy all the time. It’s a little tough, because I usually am. When it’s true, though, I’ll say I’m frustrated or anxious or any other more negative emotion. I do it, one, because it’s what I’m feeling, and, two, because I want them to see I or they can feel those things and the world will not end.

“I am feeling anxious because we got out the door late today, and I’m worried we won’t get to school today. I’m feeling hopeful that feeling will pass and the rest of my day will be better.” Something like that.

All of this has also been a little jarring for me. More accommodating than I’d like to admit, I’m much more likely to put my own emotions on the back burner so as not to get in others’ way. It’s a trait I’m actively working not to pass on to my kids. It’s also personal growth I’m trying to make transparent to them. Grown ups learn too.

I hope the other grown ups to whom I entrust them each day are making similar spaces for them. In between math and reading, I hope they have moments surrounded by peers and teachers where the community checks in with itself to see what it needs to support its members.

Mine aren’t the only kids hungry for these spaces. I’m not the only adult who needs to learn how to answer these questions honestly. I hope our schools and classrooms recognize the value and extent to which doing this work can make the academic work so much better.